You Can Learn to be a Conversationalist

High-speed summary: Because relationships are not optional for believers, and because conversation is critical for relationships, we can each grow within our limitations, real and perceived, to interact meaningfully with the people in our lives. And we must.

Warning: aggressive claim
I believe that just as the skill and practice of reading is critical for a person’s spiritual and mental development, so the skill and practice of conversation is for a person’s social and personal development

Do conversations matter? If so, why?

For a believer, the importance and power of words is central to our faith.

• God spoke the world into being. He personally formed humanity, making them in his own image, gifting them alone language (Gen 1; 2:7, 19-20).
• Jesus upholds the universe by the word of His power (Heb 1:3).
• Jesus is the Word made flesh (John 1:1, 14).
• God gave us the Bible as his written Word and, in it, all that pertains to life and godliness (2 Pt 1:3).
• Jesus asked questions to pursue the lonely or forsaken (Mk 10:51; Jn 5:6; Lk 8:45-48), to help people identify their struggle (Mt 8:26; Lk 24:17), and to engage interest and connect spiritually (Jn 4:7).
• Jesus charged believers to go into all the world: preach the gospel, make disciples, and teach them all that He commanded–all word-centric efforts (Mt 28:18-20).

But that’s not me.

“But I am a(n) [early bird/night owl/introvert/extrovert/teenager/nightshift worker].” Anyone who can talk can learn to have better conversations. Perceived limitations can function as assets: someone introverted might best sense who is on the fringe, needing companionship; an extroverted person might have the stamina for a more challenging conversation. But because relationships are not optional for believers, and because conversation is critical for relationships, we can each grow within our limitations, real and perceived, to interact meaningfully with the people in our lives. And we must.

Too often, personal skills are considered inherent traits of a person, with social competency waved away as completely as the impossibility of growing another leg. It’s not true. If you are able to speak and have a shared language, you can have a solid conversation. Regardless of how natural conversations may feel, skills can change; you yourself are changeable. If you want to converse comfortably and intelligently with others on a variety of topics, take small, practical steps to become that person.

What constitutes a good conversation?

Great conversations are rooted in ideas–something more enduring and satisfying than current hot topics, the weather-beaten weather, or niche interests. Easy conversations are like dabbling your toes in the edge of the ocean; rich conversations are like plunging in to fully experience the fresh, revitalizing blueness. While there is place and benefit for both types, strong relationships depend on a transcendent richness requiring effort, intent, and vulnerability.

Solid conversations also require active, thoughtful listening. The best conversations involve multiple listeners, but an excellent listener can carry the entire weight of intelligent listening in a way that draws no attention to it. This isn’t the most flashy advertising, but we all know it to be true. And the more you work at conversations, the greater your taste for excellent ones, the less difficult and more essential you will find the work.

Where do I start?

• Read “Conversationally Speaking”. It is readable, practical, and doable, as seen in the next suggestion, taken from the book.
• Pick some questions that foster relating:
  • “Who is your favorite [teacher] and why?”
  • “Where would you go if you could travel anywhere for a week?”
  • “What is one skill you would love to learn?”
    While automaticity ruins relating, new habits thrive with support. Thoughtful, careful listening will overcome what otherwise could feel contrived, and most people would welcome a break from tired conversational patterns. Choose your signature questions and use them.
• Think of someone you’d like to imitate in conversational skills, and identify what works about what they do. Extra credit: ask them.
• Most importantly, practice. Start small. Begin today.

The world is full of desperately lonely people. Many are without hope. Get to know and love people in your life, and be a bridge to light, hope, and truth.