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Parenting is difficult. Disciplining proves even harder. Many of the best of men and women have failed at parenting. Abraham alienated his son Ishmael. Jacob rebelled against Isaac. The sons of King David tried to kill their father. Church History verifies parenting is difficult as well. Take William Carey for example.
As the Father of Modern Missions, he excelled. But as the father of several children, he struggled, at least in the beginning. While he labored at translation work in India and battled with his wife’s mental illness, his sons spiralled out of control. Deprived of their mother’s love, his sons Felix and William seemed uncontrollably self-willed. Carey tried. He improved later in life and earned the highest love and respect from his children. But it wasn’t Carey that turned his sons around.
William Ward, Carey’s teammate in India, took much of the spiritual care for Carey’s kids in their youth. Ward feared the Carey boys would break away from their Christian moorings. So he discipled them. He walked with them. They sang together. They spoke of spiritual matters. Carey poured gratitude upon his friend Ward, but it was Carey’s job to do.
This illustrates the difficulty parents find in disciplining their children. Here are six common excuses they use.
“My child’s had a hard life”
The thinking goes, since my child is suffering, his sin is less severe. Sickness. Divorce. Poverty. Learning disabilities. Let us be patient with them. But challenges like these can shield a child from biblical discipline from his parents.
Carey may have used this excuse. His sons had been ripped from their home and culture. Their mother abdicated many of her duties. A father should expect a little rebellion, no? Jacob tricked Esau out of his birthright (Gn. 25:31). Because Isaac favored his eldest son (v. 28), he seemed to overlook some of his errors. Rebekah favored (“loved”) her son Jacob, overlooking some of his sins too. This led to heartache for both of them.
Parents, be on the alert for children that use challenges or suffering as an excuse for their sin. Though trials can tempt us toward sin, they are never the cause (James 1:13-14). There is always a way of escape (1 Cor. 10:13). Be wary of the victim mindset in your kids.
“I can’t stand hearing my child cry”
Solomon anticipates this excuse. He writes: “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” (Pr. 19:18; KJV). Better to endure tears over discipline in one’s youth than tears of misery later on in life.
The parents of Zimri and Cozbi used this excuse. Salu, Zimri’s father and Zur, Cozbi’s father, failed to remember that “foolishness is bound in the heart of a child” (Pr. 22:15). Then came Judgement Day. God told Israel to hang the men that yoked themselves to Baal (Nu. 25:4). The corpses dangled in the noonday sun. The people of God wept over their sin. Zimri decided to hook up with the Midianite girl in his private tent.
After the godly man Phinehas skewered them through with a spear, do you think the parents had regrets? Maybe Salu thought: “How minor to endure the tears of my child so that I may escape tears in my old age.” Tear often do much good. Thomas Watson said sin must drown in tears of repentance—or the soul must burn in hell.
“My children won’t respect me”
Actually, your children won’t respect you if you pamper them. Dad is a father first, not a friend. Adults usually look back and respect most the teachers, parents and coaches that were the disciplinarians.
Hebrews 12:9 says, “We have had earthly father who disciplined us and we respected them.” The NIV says “we respected them for it”. In other words, the kids said that if their parents hadn’t disciplined them, they would not have respected them as much.
What players in college basketball have had greater respect and love for a coach than the Indiana teams had for Bobby Knight? He was a disciplinarian and demanded excellence. In turn, they’d run through a brick wall for him. Grown men, former players with grey hair, cried at his funeral.
No one respects a pushover. Adoniah lost respect for David because his father would never raise a finger to discipline his son. “His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, ‘Why have you done thus and so’” (1Ki. 1:6)?
“My child’s infractions are no big deal”
The two-year-old refuses to say please. The five-year-old refuses to shake uncle’s hand. The ten-year-old refuses to clean his room. The fifteen-year-old refuses to sing at church. The eighteen-year-old refuses to attend church. The twenty-one-year-old refuses to move out of his girlfriend’s house. Each stage was a stepping stone that the parents called “No Big Deal”.
All disobedience is sin. All sin is a big deal. The wages for (just one) sin is death. This is why parents must discipline their children speedily and thoroughly. We brush aside none and dismiss not a single rebellion as a peccadillo. Sometimes we address in a gentle word. Other times we increase the discipline. But we remain vigilant in teaching our children.
Solomon tells us, “Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell” (Pr. 23:14, KJV). Solomon is saying, if discipline intimidates you, consider the alternative.
“My child might hate me”
No he will not. He will love you, if you discipline him in love. “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart” (Pr 29:17). Eli refused to discipline his sons. He honored them above God (1Sm. 2:29). They met a terrible death.
This doesn’t mean we should discipline our children harshly. Many adults despise their parents because they were too severe. Scripture warns us of this. “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger” (Eph. 6:4). He says it again in Colossians 3:21, adding that if Dad is too hard on his son, Johnny will become “discouraged”. Don’t irritate, provoke or embitter your children. This leads to resentment. Why? Either they feel they can never do enough to please their parents or they think of themselves as worthless. So discipline in love. Give lots of affection. When it’s over, it’s over. Give a hug and don’t bring it up again. Forgive.
“Discipline isn’t loving”
No one loves his sons and daughters more than God Almighty loves his children. God is love (1Jn. 4:19) and cares for his children infinitely more than the deepest affection a mother can feel for her child.
And yet, this God of love disciplines his children. He chastens them because he loves them. “As a man disciplines his son, the Lord your God disciplines you” (Dt. 8:5). “The Lord disciplines the one he loves” (Heb. 12:6).
Parents that refuse to discipline their children do not love them. They hate them. They are like the crowd that sees the blind man walking over the cliff but will not warn him for fear they draw his anger. “Whoever spares the rod hates his son” (Pr. 13:24).
Conclusion
The Puritans used to say that if parents refuse to use the rod on their children, they pray God will not use their children as a rod upon them. This could very well happen if parents employ these excuses. Discipline in love as God does his children, and your children will flourish in life.