Christian teaching about parenting should show us how to worship our God through our role as fathers and mothers. It should reveal to us God’s standard, His will, for how we are to lead our families and raise our children. Podcasts, sermons, classes, books, and articles on parenting that carefully explain and apply God’s Word are not simply self-help ideas about how to be successful and fulfilled parents. Parenting is about worship—pleasing God and displaying the power of the Gospel through our role as parents.
Fathers, how can we worship God through our parenting? How can we illustrate the power of the Gospel in how we raise our kids? What does it mean to be a good father?
Two key verses for becoming a good father
There are two verses are especially helpful to all dads who want to please God through being a genuinely good father. These verses are Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21. Let’s consider these together.
It is very helpful to read these verses in multiple translations and paraphrases to see the full meaning and nuances.
Ephesians 6:4
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” KJV
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” ESV
“Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” CSB
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. NLT
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” NET
“Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.” Message
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” NIV
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” NASB
What does this verse teach fathers?
- Fathers must nurture/teach/train/instruct/correct/discipline their children so that they know God and how to live for Him.
- Fathers must guard against provoking/exasperating their children as they nurture and train them.
Now let’s consider Colossians 3:21 the same way.
Colossians 3:21
“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” ESV
“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” NIV
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they won’t become discouraged.” CSB
“Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.” NLT
“Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” KJV
“Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they will not become disheartened” NET
“Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.” Message
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” NASB
Impatience: a universal temptation for fathers
Dads must teach and discipline and correct their children in a loving, self-controlled way. This requires patience. Sometimes this is very hard, impossible in our own strength. We need to keep turning to the Lord.
Fathers must be careful to avoid provoking/exasperating their children lest they become discouraged/lose heart. Our parenting should strengthen and encourage our children, point them to Christ.
If we fail and parent our kids in the flesh, we will most likely use harsh, dictatorial, or angry speech and actions. If so, it will “provoke” our children. How does this provoke them? It pushes them to anger, resentment, even bitterness. It exasperates them, for they feel unjustly treated. They feel like they cannot please their father no matter what they do. Harsh parenting pushes our children down.
There is no room in these verses for passive fathers that leave child training to the mothers. Christian men must take the training of their children seriously. As they do, they worship Christ.
It is so, so easy for Dads to correct in the flesh. Some of us have a more authoritative bent naturally, leading us to be demanding and overly strong in our approach. We may tend to want to throw our weight around, even bully our children, using fear to control them. The children then don’t feel love and led, but rather abused.
Laziness is an issue for many Dads as well. It is much easier, in the short-term, to avoid being proactive and instructing our kids. Then, when bad things happen, we react harshly. The children feel unwanted, a nuisance, or in the way, rather than cared for.
The power of humility
There is no place for anger, impatience, harshness, or bullying in a Christian father’s relationship to his children. We must repent of these sins and seek daily grace through the Spirit to have the love and kindness needed to guide our children well. Consider how that, of all the things that God could have emphasized in practical instruction for fathers, these two verses are highlighted by Him. Dads, we need this!
All fathers fail—every one. But we can learn, through the grace of Christ, to have a pattern of love and patience in our parenting. Our wives will love us ever the more for it, and so will our children. When we fail, we must learn to go to our children and ask forgiveness. This humility will aid us in our growth and speak volumes to our families. God rewards humility—always.
Dads, we can’t do this in our own strength and wisdom. In our family, we have two young adults, one about to begin college, and another in high school. I am still learning what it means to instruct in love and patience and avoid provoking my children. Each child is unique and needs instruction differently from the others. They even get provoked differently. Some children try our patience much more than others. Daily wisdom is needed indeed.
I should confess: in the past 24 hours, I have had to cry out to the Lord in two situations where I needed much grace to put down anger and be a godly father. God gave grace, but it wasn’t easy.
Our oldest child is grown now, out on her own. One day, while talking together about her childhood, I asked her if there was anything that we did that encouraged her, that meant a lot to her. I was surprised by her answer. She said that what meant the most to her was that when we sinned against the children in any way, we asked forgiveness and tried to make it right. She said this pointed her to Jesus more than anything else.
Putting it together:
Dads, we have one do and one don’t to remember here:
Do: train and instruct your children in love and patience.
Don’t: provoke and discourage your children.
As we seek obedience to these two short sentences for fathers, it will go a long way in helping us to honor Christ and encourage our children towards Him. Good fathers strive to observe this “do” and avoid this “don’t.”