God has used countless women to lead their husbands to Christ. Every wife whose husband is not yet a Christian has every reason to believe that she can be a powerful influence towards his salvation.
The Bible gives ladies a clear path for how to encourage their unbelieving husbands most effectively toward Jesus. There is hope that he will one day believe.
Wives with unbelieving husbands–this situation is very common. As has often been observed, women tend to come to Christ more readily, and in greater numbers, than men[1]. To prove this, simply poll at random a number of churches in your acquaintance, no matter what country or culture you live in, to observe the ratio of women to men. Wives need counsel from God’s Word about how to approach an unbelieving husband.
God Speaks to This Issue Directly
A Christian woman longs to see her husband know Christ. She prays earnestly and asks others to pray as well. But what can she do practically? How can she persuade her man of his need for new life in Jesus?
The apostle Peter speaks to this matter directly in 1 Peter 3:
1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external–the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear– 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.[2]
This is one of the most valuable passages in Scripture for godly women.
God wants Christian wives to seek to win their husbands.
Peter tells wives in this passage what to do in order to “win” their husbands. There is hope!
The Holy Spirit places the emphasis for effective witness upon the wife’s daily life, her character. He even deemphasizes her attempts to win her husband through verbal persuasion or argument. Her most important witness is non-verbal, “without the word.”
God wants Christian wives of unsaved husbands to focus their evangelistic zeal for their spouse upon their own Christian life. God wants the wives to show their husbands the power of the Gospel through proving to them how God has changed them in undeniable ways.
How the Power of the Gospel is Proved to an Unsaved Husband
Ok. So, what kind of conduct or changed life illustrates to an unbelieving husband that his wife has been change by the supernatural power of the Gospel? She takes her character seriously.
She is no longer concerned primarily with her appearance, clothing, and status. While she no doubt wants to be appropriate, well-mannered, and attentive to her appearance, these matters no longer dominate her mind and heart. Godliness becomes her top priority. What does this look like in her relationship to her husband?
She is “respectful” towards her husband.
This shows itself in her attitude towards him, the way she talks to him and about him. Peter says that the husband must “see” this change. There is no way around this spiritual reality: a godly woman is respectful towards her husband. Only such a woman displays the power of the Gospel.
She is of “pure conduct.”
Her genuine pursuit of personal holiness results in obvious growth in gentleness and a quiet spirit. She stands out in contrast to the woman of the world around her. She obtains, by the grace of Christ, a general spirit of submission to her husband’s leadership. In other words, she is being transformed into the image of God, which makes into the “fit helper” she was intended to be by her creation (Gen. 2:18).
Why These Specific Character Qualities?
Of all things for God’s Spirit to emphasize through Peter, why these particular things? Because sin in the heart leads women to reject the role God has designed for her. Her desires as a sinner are now conflicted. She now struggles with a heart that is “contrary to her husband” (Gen. 3:16).
Connected to this is that men desire above all else to be respected. He longs for this respect from his family, friends, community, and co-workers, but above all, his wife. He desires and expects this respect even if he does nothing to deserve it! In his mind, if his wife loves him, she will respect him and submit to him. For these reasons and others, the Scriptures emphasize this key character transformation in women who know Christ (Eph. 5:22-33; Col. 3:18).
Which Kind of Influence Will You Have?
It is extremely important that the Christian wife of an unsaved husband rely on Christ and His influence through her daily life and not on her own efforts. If she relies on her own strength and wisdom, things will get ugly and painful.
Some women respond like “Julie.”
Julie is a new Christian who loves her husband, loving him now more than ever because the love of God is now in her. She begins to earnestly desire her husband’s salvation. Naturally, she strives to persuade him to believe, appealing first to his heart. She appeals to him, but he is unresponsive. She does not give up, so she frequently urges him to believe. By doing this, she hopes to break through his apathy and reach him. This approach gets old fast in her husband’s eyes. Tension builds. Arguments and frustration become common. She finds herself confused and more distant from her husband than ever. Her husband now begins to think of a way of escape, divorce.
Other Christian wives respond like “Luana.”
Luana tries what Julie tried above without success. She now descends into anger at his lack of concern. She convinces herself that it is righteous anger about his not taking Jesus seriously, but she is really angry that he won’t listen to her and make her life easier by believing. Her speech becomes bitter. She starts berating her husband, leading to continual contention. She might even demand her husband believe. Worse yet, she might start pointing out her husband’s sinfulness, weakness, or poor leadership in the home thinking that somehow he will get under conviction and repent.
I have seen men reject Christ and even divorce their Christian wives because of the unwise and sinful behavior of their Christian spouse. “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). Common sense alone should guide here, but sin is never reasonable.
There are others like “Kelly.”
Kelly believes God’s Word and embraces the truth that her primary focus in life must be genuine godliness. She learns to respect her husband, reconciles when sins are committed, strives to help and bless her husband, increasing in love for him.
Some women who respond in faith like Kelly see their husbands come to Christ. Just this morning I received a message about a man who finally followed his wife in coming to Jesus after several years of her following Christ and many praying for him.
The other day I visited with a dying man who seems to express now a sincere faith, though only God knows. This man has caused his wife extreme grief for years, but she faithfully served and loved him.
Here is a podcast of another “Kelly” who told the story of how her husband finally came to Christ fourteen years after she did: Marriage to an Unsaved Man.
A Word of Exhortation
Ladies, do you want to see your unbelieving husbands take your faith seriously? Do you desire a Christian home? Then above all else, seek a transformed life by the grace of God. Become transformed in the ways described here—submission, purity, gentleness, and respect. These attitudes and actions will be far more powerful than anything you can ever say to your husband. Pray for God to help you. Pray daily!
Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that you can pester your husband into believing. Don’t think for a moment that you can verbally bully him into taking your faith seriously. Don’t withhold your physical affection to try to punish him, either. Love him with a transformed life! This is a sacrifice that greatly pleases Christ. It is something that cannot be done without His power.
Here is an article to encourage the husband marriage to an unbelieving wife: I Love My Unbelieving Wife: How Can I Help Her to Believe?
Photo courtesy of: https://unsplash.com/@mlnrbalint
[1] https://www.artofmanliness.com/character/knowledge-of-men/christianitys-manhood-problem-an-introduction/
[2] All Scripture quotations are from the ESV unless otherwise noted.
