I am no expert on marriage. But I have been married long enough to experience those times when coldness creeps in and distance grows. The simplest lesson that the Lord has taught us is the importance of time spent together. Taking time to stop, look each other in the face, and really talk, has proven crucial.
Some would call this “going on dates”, but it doesn’t have to be an expensive dinner, a formal dress-up event, or a trip away somewhere. The key ingredient is that both of us are physically and mentally fully present, focused on each other. At times in our lives, with small children, it’s been sipping hot tea together on the couch during nap time. A date is when we give the gift of our full attention, acknowledging our love for one another, and talking about life–together.
It’s so hard to stop!
I fear that many couples rarely do this. Yes, we love each other. We live together. We share duties and responsibilities, raise the kids, pay the bills, enjoy physical intimacy, maintain the household, go to church, sacrifice for each other, and even share ministry. But in the midst of it all, many of us find it hard to just stop, even for a few hours in a week. As a result, though our relationship may not seem to have strife or turbulence, we are not emotionally and spiritually close. We may be “one flesh” but not so much one spirit.
We know from Scripture that apart from our relationship to God our relationship with our husband or wife is the most important one that we have. We might even have the key passages on marriage memorized.[1] But many of us still don’t take this relationship seriously enough to set aside time to be together, enjoy one another, reflect, pray, or talk about the things of God together. When we do talk about family or life issues, it is when a crisis comes and needs an immediate solution.
The danger of failing to stay warm
The potential consequences from failing to maintain emotional and spiritual closeness with our spouse are horrible: unfaithfulness, various kinds of abuse, adultery, divorce, ministry families becoming defeated and quitting, as well as all the effects these things have upon the children. Knowing this, it is still hard to fight our sinful flesh and prioritize our spouse, even minimally! How can this be? The deceitfulness of the human heart is profound.
Men, we must fight passivity, laziness, and temptation to prioritize other things over our wives. Our friends, career, hobbies, or even ministry opportunities, are not more important than our wives! Malachi 2 tells us that she is “the wife of our youth,” “your companion and wife by covenant,” and is to be “loved.” We are commanded, “So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless” (2:14-16 ESV).
I have targeted men here, but I have also known women to prioritize friends, other family members, children, career, etc., over their husbands. We are counseling a couple with a relationship like this right now.
My wife and I have done different things that have helped us to draw close amidst the often insanely busy lives we live. Here are some ideas:
Coordinate your daily Bible reading or read some other devotional book together
This way we are meditating on many of the same truths of God, and this really encourages discussion about spiritual things. We have found that it is much more easy to talk about the Word when we are both reading the same thing.
Sit on the couch together
Yes, that’s all. Cup of coffee or tea in hand, just sit down and be together and talk. If little ones are napping, that’s a great time for mom. Maybe it is out on the porch or in the yard. Just you two.
Take walks/jog together
Most of us need more exercise. Most of us need more time with our spouse. Why not kill two birds with one stone and do this before the day begins? We have usually done this early morning (usually leaving before 6AM to make it happen). Not only does this provide a wonderful time to talk about the Word of God, which we usually read before our walk, but it allows us to simply spend time together.
Have weekly breakfast dates
We have found that Saturday morning breakfast dates work best. The point of this date is to discuss life in general, talk about the kids, and to review together God’s grace. Usually, we head out around 7AM and get back around 9:00. Since we have to eat breakfast anyway, this time is least in conflict with life responsibilities.
Take a ride together
For us, it is a motorcycle ride around our dusty little Cambodian market town. But bikes on a trail or just a car ride out in the country can give the same space. Sometimes we have had the kids with us, but as long as they are in their own world in the back seat, we can still have quality time as a couple.
Keep in touch
I am talking about loving touches. It is amazing how a kiss or an embrace remind us of the emotional warmth God intends for us. Stop and acknowledge one another physically, even if just for a moment. It reminds us that we are each other’s possession and comfort. It reminds us that there is a vital link between us that needs to be maintained. Some couples have customary moments to connect in a day, while others prefer to be spontaneous. Regardless, take the time.
Relative consistency is key
This is what works for us. We don’t slavishly adhere to this by walking 7 days a week, talk about our devotional reading every single day, or have a date on Saturday as an obligation that can never be set aside. However, we do our best to maintain these things. Scheduled times greatly help our relationship remain close. It keeps our love warm. Coolness and distance are the alarm bells calling for a schedule change!
If you prioritize your relationship, God will give you wisdom to know how to make practical steps to encourage closeness in your marriage. Husbands, if you are at a loss to know how to do this, spend some time with your wife and ask her!
[1] Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:22-33; Colossians 3:18-19; 1 Peter 3:1-7
