This week we celebrated our tenth anniversary. Ten years ago I stood at the front of a church and cried my eyes out at the momentous decision I was making. A decade later, I understand a tiny bit of how momentous it actually was. Here, in no particular order, are things that stand out about the last 10 years.
The design of marriage is brilliant. There is no other way.
Clearly I believed in the institution of marriage in 2008 or I wouldn’t have done it. But like stepping out on a suspension bridge without understanding the physics or the engineering, I made my decision without recognizing God’s wisdom in the design. Making my vows that day, the sheer permanence of my decision was overwhelming. But now it makes so much sense. Marriage is for life; no mulligans or take-twos, because that’s what is required to weld two lives together. With inevitable disagreements, the iron-clad pressure of no escape forces you to work out your differences—you have no choice. And that’s good.
Or what about the fact that there are two of us—only two? That means no triangulating. There can be only one alliance; there is only one person to talk to when things go wrong.
Or the wisdom that marriage is a promise (covenant) made before witnesses? We made a choice; we gave our word. Everybody heard it. There’s no question now of consent, who said what or what it meant. To go back would be failing to do what we said we would do and deeply embarrassing. That’s a good pressure.
Or consider the biblical requirements for no sex outside of marriage that so many call prudish in 2018. Sex is how children happen. Children need a stable home. And homes should have two people—a man and a woman that stay together for life. So create the home first, make it stable, and then invite other little people to join it. Mess up the order in any way and you’re toying with disaster. All of this is so brilliant and exactly suited to the needs of the human heart. It’s almost as though the One who made us made marriage as well.
A single bond has blossomed into many.
A wise man told us once that children would either strengthen or annihilate our relationship—if we had a strong foundation already, they would deepen it immeasurably. But if we were already at odds about the basics of life, adding children would only drive us further apart.
To be sure, our marriage falls far short of the ideal. But I am in awe at what four little people have done to change us. Nobody else shares my delight in them; nobody else loves them like I do; nobody would sacrifice anything for them like I would… except for her. Only she and I have known them from the very beginning. Only she and I will have walked with them daily through the most foundational years of their lives. Only she and I will give them away on their own wedding day, delight in their own children, and pray for them with desperation for as long as we live. Only she and I share these little people like that.
And yet though our hearts are so deeply intertwined in theirs, it is the two of us that will remain together when they are gone. I love my children. But I also love the fact that when they embark on their own paths, I will still have one person and only one that continues walking with me. We were already a family before they joined us; we will still be here when they are gone.
Marriage is costly. And worth it.
The way we say “I love you” in Filipino is the same word you use in the market to say something costs too much, something very valuable. Free love is an oxymoron. Love costs.
And the price I’ve had to pay in the last ten years has been dear indeed. Expensive, costly, exorbitant. I’ve had to learn to have hard conversations. I’ve had to admit I was wrong. I’ve had to change. I’ve had to deny my own wants in order to discover that serving another person is more meaningful than serving myself. I’ve been forced to grapple with the fact that the other half of the human race looks at the world differently than I do; and very often it’s more accurate. I’ve had to share my struggles and my joys. I’ve had to be there for someone else when she’s discouraged and be strengthened and encouraged when I was down. I’ve had to be accountable, honestly answering for my sin, leading another person towards Jesus and being constantly pushed myself. Marriage has been costly. And completely, utterly worth it.
The last ten years of my life have found many days when I made a royal mess of the gift God gave me. But I marvel today that this blessing seems more precious to me now than it did a decade ago, and I look forward in curious amazement that it will be more precious still in decades to come. Thank you, Sarah, for walking this path with me.
