I don’t know what you are hearing, but I feel like I am constantly hearing two complaints from young adults today: 1) Loneliness is a huge problem; 2) Young adults greatly desire serious friendships and mentors. One would think that, if so many young men and women are lonely and desirous of friendships with depth and meaning, that these complaints would negate one another. And yet, it seems that loneliness and lack of deep friendships continue for most. Why is this?
The Battle for Meaningful Friendships is Real
Recently, I was talking to an MK (missionary kid) in Asia about friendship. We were specifically talking about why it is that it seems so hard for young men and women today to obtain friendships of substance, especially spiritually edifying friendships. Her response was so insightful that I asked her if I could share it with you.
“The internet has changed how we interact with friends. Because of online messaging, we can have tons of friends all over the world and talk to them daily. With the rise of online communication, you are expected to be available to talk all day every day.
Because of this dynamic, the amount of communication that people have has risen, but the depth of conversation has fallen considerably. We don’t have enough emotional or mental energy to have deep conversations with every one of our fifty friends every single day, so instead we keep our conversations superficial. We have shallow conversations with many, and deep conversations are less common. Most people don’t have the energy to devote to that kind of serious connection. Their friendship capabilities are just spread too thin.
(I also think that young people tend to turn to podcasts, YouTube, or social media when they feel lonely. It’s easier to devote time listening to or watching strangers than it is to build relationships with real people. In the long run these activities are a lot less fulfilling, but in the short term they seem easier and more desirable.)”
Dealing with Online Friendships
She also shared a few of her own methods for dealing with online friendships. (numbers and titles for her points below are my additions)
- Emotional boundaries. “I think one of the main things I do is establish boundaries about when I will be available to talk. All my friends know I’m not on my phone 24/7 and often will not be available to reply right away, and I know the same about them.
- Prioritized relationships. I also try to make sure that I am having good deep conversations with the friends I do talk to most regularly, and that I’m prioritizing that over more superficial stuff.
- Voice messaging. I find that for me sending voice messages or calling regularly helps, because it’s easier to have serious conversations that way.
I was so glad to get this very thoughtful response from this young lady. As a believer in Christ, she is trying to tackle this problem in her own experience. She has identified some problems, such as being spread too thin socially and emotionally; the need to prioritize relationships; and the temptation to try to replace genuinely fulfilling relationships with podcasts, social media, etc. The practical solutions that she gives are very helpful.
We’re Really Dealing With Our Humanity
As I ponder this issue of widespread loneliness and inability to develop genuine friendships that has become so common in some cultures today, I find my thoughts focusing on two areas of theology:
1). Our fundamental humanity in the image of God.
God made us in His image, relational beings in need of companionship and family (Gen. 1-2). Sin and evil mar God’s image in us, greatly affecting our ability to love others and live in unity (Gen. 3). Through Christ, God begins the restoration of His image in us, transforming us from the inside out, affecting all of our relationships for good (Eph. 4:17-32).
2). The key role the local church has in God’s plan to restore us into His image.
It is God’s wisdom to use the community of believers to teach His people what love is (Ephesians, 1 John, e.g.). This love teaches us how to be genuine, humble, holy, giving, faithful, trustworthy. It is in the context of the local church that God teaches us to be full of love and good works—through authentic friendships and ongoing spiritual fellowship (Hebrews 10:24).
No one in our churches should be able to say that they cannot find genuine friendship and loving spiritual depth there. Knowing that young men and women today are really struggling with this should cause church leaders to go all-out in battling this trend.
Help to Navigate Relationships in the Isolation Age
In the last couple years, I have read two books that seek to encourage people towards meaningful relationships in a time when such relationships are very hard to find, whether because of the problems our young friend mentioned, or other societal influences. Each book contributes some wonderful truth to help us navigate the times.
One of these is Friendish: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion by Kelly Needham. I really appreciated how biblically grounded and utterly practical this book was. The book answers the questions of what friendship really is and how to be a genuinely good friend. Kelly tells many stories to illustrate truth.
Another is a recent read, Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility by Heather Holleman. This book was written for a wide audience, The book is a well-written practical resource from a Christian who is a professor at a secular university. Since she is engaged with all types of people every day, the author speaks from a wealth of experience.
This book answers very practical questions such as, “How can I start and continue meaningful conversations with others? How can I get to know people and build genuine friendships with them? How do I get past generic small talk with people? How do I have mutually helpful conversations with people extremely different from me?”
Consider some of our articles along these lines that might be helpful: Choosing Friends that Fuel your Fire for God and Community Discipleship: How the Church Disciples New Believers.
Investment required
We must be aware of this very dangerous weakness of inability to relate in our society today. God’s people need spiritual and practical help to learn to converse and build relationships that are spiritually meaningful. Older believers need to zero in on this widespread need for friends and mentors. By doing this we will “stir up one another to love and good works” in relationships (Hebrews 10:24).
