A Life on the Move: Grappling with the Grind of Grief

This is the second article of a two-part series entitled, Life on the Move, by Dr. Matthew Jones.

Let’s blame it on John Wayne, the stoic and steadfast icon of “true American grit.” His detached, steady-handed approach to tackling problems taught a generation of Americans that displaying soft emotions is a sign of weakness. Unfortunately, when we fast-forward to modern missions, filled with countless tangible and intangible losses for missionary kids, there’s a sudden collision of ideals where grit meets grief.

Is grief really a weakness? As creatures created in the image of God, we can rest in the comfort that grief is a natural, healthy, and normal response to loss and is therefore NOT a weakness. God has pre-installed amazing emotional responses within each of us. Think about it, when you’re scared, your heart speeds up so you can run or fight. When something is funny, you laugh. In a similar manner, when you reach the end of a meaningful relationship with someone or something, your heart hurts (grieves) over that loss. These emotional responses are a natural part of being made in God’s image.

Grief is a natural, healthy, and normal response to loss.

So, how does this apply to our MKs?

One unfortunate byproduct of a high-mobility missionary life is that many MKs never learn how to recognize, process, and move past their grief in a God-honoring way. Young MKs often derail the grieving process because they typically lack the emotional maturity needed to express their thoughts and feelings about grief and loss. They just don’t have the necessary wisdom, understanding and vocabulary that’s needed to move though the process. From a young age, MKs become experts at burying, disguising, or silencing their pains and frustrations. As they get older, these experiences can accumulate, resurface, and create deep rifts between an MK and their parents, siblings, and the Lord.

Myths about Grief

It’s times like these when our MKs need Christ’s compassionate truth, not John Wayne. Here are a handful of unhelpful myths related to grief and loss that we need to eliminate from our MK’s worldview.

Myth #1: “Don’t feel bad. Just don’t think about what you’ve lost.”

Myth #2: “You’ll feel better in time. You recover from grief like you do from a cold, a little bit day by day until it’s all gone.”

Myth #3: “Just stay busy and you’ll feel better.”

Myth #4: “You need to replace what you lost with something/someone else.”

Myth #5: “MKs are resilient. They can get over/adapt to anything.”

Embracing any of these missionary myths will potentially put you face to face with an emotionally exhausted, spiritually obstinate, physically despondent, and socially incompetent missionary kid. So, the question remains, how do we help MKs process the heavy weight of grief and loss that comes from a lifetime of tangible and intangible losses? What does it take to grieve well?  I’m glad you asked….

Helping MKs Who are Grieving

Encourage your MK to recognize and name their specific losses.

What did David do in 1 Samuel 30:4 when he and his men lost everything to a band of marauders? They raised their voices and cried out to God until they were hoarse and lost their voices! This is a natural, healthy response to losing something you love whether it’s a pet, local friends, grandparents or a sibling who moves away for college. Be specific and call out to God, don’t bottle it up!

Encourage your MK to mourn their losses.

Mourning takes our feelings and turns them into an action that signals the loss of something important. If you’re moving, go visit your favorite places and let your MK say goodbye. Take pictures with close friends and print them out for your MKs. Throw a going-away or graduation party for your MK.

Encourage your MK to accept their losses.

Give your MK permission to grieve. Mom and Dad, give yourself permission to grieve. Don’t be in a rush to “move on” because after a move, life will never be the same for your family. Transitions take time to accept.

Encourage your MK to come to closure and start moving forward.

This is the time to start re-engaging after a transition. Create new “normals”. New routines. New customs. New traditions. New roots.

Conclusion

Grief is good but the grind of “unresolved grief” is unbearable. It’s never too late to sit down with your MKs and encourage them to start putting their thoughts about grief into words. Help them name the losses, mourn the losses, accept the losses, and start moving forward!