There are some things you’ll never understand until you live them. Cross-cultural adjustment is one. When we moved to the Philippines a little less than a year ago, I knew to expect some things; with many others I had no idea.
Several weeks ago, I sat across from a Filipino who had interacted with Western families from many different walks of life, religions, and denominations. He asked me why Westerners interact with their kids as they do. Clearly, this wasn’t an example he wanted to emulate. Both his observations and his questions were clear, incisive, and personally challenging. Granted, every culture is fundamentally broken and none of us have a corner on the truth. But by the end of our conversation, I knew he was right—these were things I needed to avoid as well. Sometimes it takes an outsider to see ourselves as we really are. Here are a few of his thoughts:
1. Why do kids demand while their parents ask permission?
Why do parents beg, plead and cajole, while their kids make demands? The progression happens naturally enough to all of us:
- Stage 1—Junior is fussy or sassy or angry today. Our first reaction is something like “he’s tired today” or “being two-years-old is hard” or “he must not feel well.” It’s easy and natural to come up with excuses.
- Stage 2—To survive another afternoon or save face in public, we try to manage the problem instead of confronting it. “Are you having a hard time?” said in a soft voice. “Are you tired?” Obviously he’s having a hard time. He’s standing there wailing. And maybe he is tired. But what he just heard is that when you’re tired it’s a great time to act up; or maybe he heard that he’s allowed to get really mad under the right circumstances.
- Stage 3—Junior maps the outer limits of your patience, and goes exactly that far. Depravity is like water. It will fill whatever space you open up for it. Junior will cry as loudly as he can until the outcomes become less desirable.
So instead of trying to contain or side-step Junior’s depravity, what about facing it head on? What about helping him learn to control his emotions even if he is tired? The question isn’t how to save face; it’s how to save my child from himself (Prov 23:14). If we view ourselves as disciplers rather than cops, shouldn’t our goal be to train him? Or is it just to survive another afternoon with a minimum of trouble?
Question to ask: Am I more focused on temporarily minimizing the inconvenience and embarrassment of bad behavior, or am I concerned for my child’s long-term growth in character?
2. Why can kids be rude or even physically aggressive while their parents are passive?
In case you haven’t heard, spanking is no longer politically correct or fashionable. Unsurprisingly, even Christians have created plausible-sounding arguments to nullify the biblical passages on spanking. That’s the subject of a future post. My Filipino friend’s questions were more incisive. How can our children be rude, disrespectful, or even physically combative, and we let them get away with it? Do we have any way to control their behavior?
One of the standard arguments goes that spanking merely controls your children’s external behavior rather than redirecting their hearts. But someone at some point will control their behavior by force. The adult version of this is putting someone in a small cell and locking the door. This is how life works—sin destroys and eventually the results catch up with you.
I want to catch it on the front end (Prov 19:18). Your job as a parent is to create a microcosm that accurately reflects the outer world. I want my sons to poignantly learn that disobeying hurts, sin destroys, and that resisting God’s rules is never worth it. If they can learn that lesson while they’re 2 and not 40, there will be a lot fewer life-crippling scars.
Question to ask: Am I punishing the actions that frustrate, annoy, or embarrass me, or am I creating a living microcosm of the grand reality—sin destroys; obedience brings blessings.
3. Why do parents have to justify their commands?
His final question caught me by surprise. Why do we always back up our commands with explanations? “You have to go to bed so that you can get your rest and feel better tomorrow morning.” The habit is innocent enough and it might even teach the child inferential, cause-and-effect relationships. But is there not a place for a parent to give commands grounded simply on authority? What about, “you need to obey now because I said it?”
It’s pretty common for people to toss away the OT because some of God’s laws sound strange to them today. There were probably deeper cultural and social reasons behind those commands—reasons that we no longer know. But whatever the case, there’s also a profound statement being made: God has the right to tell you what to eat, drink, wear and do. The 2014 version of this is the fact that He created marriage for one man and one woman for life. What if somebody likes it better another way? It doesn’t matter. This is how God created it. He’s in charge.
Granted, it can be helpful to understand the “whys.” It’s just that they aren’t always given—in the workplace, in society, or even from the Lord. Is God required to explain the “why” behind my suffering in order to keep His position? If God doesn’t provide a clear, logical explanation for teaching in Scripture that offends my cultural assumptions, do I still have to listen and obey? Even as adults, we need the reminder that God doesn’t owe me supporting arguments to tell me what to do.
But learning to accept that reality has to start young, as kids accept simple commands from their parents. We do often explain to our boys the reasons behind what we say. But sometimes they don’t need to know. My position as their Dad doesn’t rest on my persuasive ability. In fact, all they really need to know is that we told them to do it. As a foundation, of course, they have to know that we love them deeply. But at the end of the day, parents are in charge because that’s the way God made it to be.
Question to ask: Do I ground my right to command my children on my authority as a parent (granted by God), or do I have to be the better debater, the louder voice, and the scarier threat to compel obedience?
All of these insights reduce to a basic framework for understanding child training—a framework that Scripture taught us and our culture has lost. (1) By divine fiat, parents are in charge. (2) Children are born as sinners on their way to hell. (3) Your job as a parent is to show your child that sin destroys and God’s way is better.
Popular culture and political correctness are always bad places to start for our philosophy of parenting. Before the discussion even begins, no approach that rejects these basic foundations is right. View your parenting today through the clarity of God’s Word.
