Anniversary While in Quarantine

Jennifer and I are three days away from finishing our 14-day quarantine in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. We have returned to the field amidst the COVID-19 epidemic. Today marks our 25th wedding anniversary, so we celebrate stuck in a hotel under heavy restrictions. Don’t worry—we often celebrate at a later time when circumstances crunch The Day. But being stuck has allowed time for musing, reflecting on what grace has brought us through twenty-five years, still so grateful to be sharing life together.

I have been married to Jennifer for more than half of my life now, two years more to be exact. It is hard to imagine life without her. If the Lord were to take her home before me, it would be extremely difficult.  We have learned so much about helping each other in daily joys and trials that our lives are now interconnected in a thousand ways. 

But no marriage is perfect. That is impossible because each of us are sinners. Being in Christ and having God’s Word, His Spirit, and His Church should make a tremendous difference in our lives and marriages. But even if both husband and wife are godly believers growing and changing, there will still be conflict and difficulties at times. We may be saved sinners being sanctified, but we are sinners still. 

Why the Conflict?

Why is it that some Christian homes with both husband and wife genuinely born-again believers still have poor marriages? Why does conflict and strife still dominate many Christian homes? How could it possibly be that Christians could defy God’s will for marriage and get divorced? 

If we were to try to explain the difference between a godly Christian marriage and a failing or failed Christian marriage, what would that difference be? If we tried to “boil it down” to the most basic difference between them, what would that basic difference be?

What Saith the Scriptures?

The Scriptures don’t give us a statement that says, “The golden key to success in marriage is this one word or principle”. We do have lots of statements about marriage to draw on, however: 

  • Believers are to leave their parents and cleave to one another as the most important person in life, to become “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).
  • We are to view our marriage commitment as a covenant made in the eyes of God, one that He takes very seriously. God hates divorce (Mal. 2:13-16)!
  • Husbands are to love their wives, selflessly give themselves to them, leading them to be more like Christ, treat them caringly and gently, willing to sacrifice all for them (Eph. 5:25-33; Col 3:19, 1Pet 3:7).
  • Wives are to help their husbands, to lovingly submit to their leadership, as the Church is to do so before their Lord (Eph 5:25-33; Col 3:18; 1Pet 3:1-6).

Ok, but we have a problem. Many Christians still have poor marriages and even divorce, despite knowing all of these passages. Some of them have heard sermons, read good books, and have had the best Christian counseling to be found—and they still fail. What, then, is the problem? Would you call it disobedience to God? Hard hearts? Selfishness? I realize that some have unbelieving spouses and other serious circumstances that make things more complicated, but still—what is the most fundamental reason for one or both spouses failing in to love their spouse and obey the Scriptures they know about marriage?

The Key in One Word

I believe it comes down to one word: humility. Humility before God is the first step in all obedience. Humility is the first step in all change to become more like Jesus. Humility before God is the secret ingredient that transforms relationships. We need to understand this crucial concept of humility.

1 Peter 5:5b-6—“clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because ‘God is opposed to the proud, but He gives grace to the humble’. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you in due time.” 

James 4:6-7a—“But He gives greater grace. Therefore it says, ‘God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble’. Submit therefore to God.”

As Christians, we must learn to increasingly humble ourselves before God. God resists/opposes the proud. If we lift up our own thoughts and ideas as higher than God’s, He will work against us! If instead, we humble ourselves before Him, admitting our weakness and inability, confess sin, and turn to Him for grace and direction, He will exalt us in His time. 

Humility in Action

I have had to ask forgiveness from Jennifer when I have been stressed out and have taken it out on her by speaking to her harshly. I have even had to seek forgiveness from my children for hastily disciplining them before I learned the whole story of what happened. What would drive me to get right? Only humility, by God’s grace, would cause a man to make things right with his wife and children. Pride would rather die than own up.

Jennifer has sought my forgiveness when she spoke to me in a disrespectful way in front of others. She has humbly apologized when she has been angry and said unkind words. 

Humility leads us to confess sin, seek forgiveness, and reconcile with others. Humility bring healing and increases love in the home. Humility leads me to place the needs of others before my own (Phil 2). Pride refuses to accept wrongdoing, holds grudges, and is resentful. Pride encourages strife and disunity, causing love in the home to grow cold as selfishness rules. 

Conclusion

A good marriage cannot exist without humility. Pride has been called the origin of all sins. If that is so, humility is the answer for all sins. It begins with humility before God and leads to humility before others in our relationships. And the surprising fruit is the grace He gives as He blesses a marriage.