In our fallen world, relationships are messy. People hurt us, and we hurt other people. Navigating through the hurt and messiness of relationships often means that we must have difficult conversations. Sometimes these are conversations that we initiate, such as when we have a complaint or concern about the way someone is acting, or when someone has done something hurtful to us we can’t seem to ignore. Other times, these are conversations that someone else initiates with us, for similar reasons. These conversations take place between boss and employee, pastor and deacon, parent and teenager, husband and wife; between church members, coworkers and siblings. Yet as difficult as they are, these conversations are an essential way Christians can show their loving commitment to each other—as long as the conversations are handled in the right way.
I’ve had a few difficult conversations in my life. I wish I could say I’ve handled them all perfectly. But, as people close to me could tell you, I haven’t. Here are a few questions—informed by Scripture and some limited experience—that would be helpful to ask before going into a conversation you know will be difficult.
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Have I prayed about this situation?
Presenting to God the details of the situation will help shift your perspective. It will remind you that God is sovereign over the situation, and that he has a loving purpose for both you and the other person. Praying about it might also help you see your own pride and arrogance. You might realize that what you thought was a monumental problem, is actually quite trivial. You might realize that the problem is mostly your fault. And you might even realize that a conversation won’t be necessary at all.
Of course, prayer not only adjusts our own attitudes. It does have the mysterious ability to move God to action, to give us the wisdom that we need, and to incline us and the other person toward a solution.
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Have I talked this over with a wise, non-involved person who would be willing to tell me the truth?
We would rather discuss our complaints with anyone except the person who really needs to hear them. But this is called gossip, and it helps no one. While avoiding gossip, it is a good idea to check our thinking with a wise person who does not have a personal stake in the conflict. Most importantly, that person should be willing to challenge our thinking and tell us the truth, even if it means telling us we’re wrong. It is possible that we are totally off-base, have misread the situation, or simply need to cool down. Don’t get counsel from someone just because you know he or she will take your side.
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Is my attitude loving and humble, or vindictive and self-defensive?
It’s hard to think straight when we feel hurt or wronged. So as you go into a difficult conversation, steady your heart and mind with the reminder that your primary responsibility toward the person is love. Your love for that person must not depend on how well the other person treats you, just as God’s love for us did not depend on how well we treated him. This gospel truth both inspires and enables Christians’ love for each other (Ephesians 4:31-32). As Christians, we already recognize that our sin was bad enough to require Jesus’s death, so we certainly don’t need to defend it to anyone.
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Am I clear about the desired outcome?
Have a clear goal before you go into the conversation. If necessary, jot it down on paper. If there’s something you want to understand, write down what you feel you need to know. If there’s something you think needs to be clarified with the other person, make sure that’s clear in your mind. Even if the problem is fuzzy in your mind, the goal might be to clear up the fuzziness (“I can’t put my finger on it, and I might be way off, but it seems like there’s a problem between you and me. Have I done something to bother or hurt you?”). Even if the outcome of the conversation might be unpleasant (such as breaking off a dating relationship, or telling someone they didn’t get accepted for a position) you can at least aim to proceed in a way that shows love and kindness.
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Have I chosen a time, place and means of communication that will facilitate a good conversation?
When you have a difficult conversation, you must aim for clear communication. This is why it is important to choose an appropriate time, place and means of communication. If possible, have a conversation when you and the other person are alert and well-rested. Don’t use texting to get through a difficult conversation. As wonderful as they are, emoticons can’t express the subtleties of a humble apology, sincere concern, or sympathetic listening. If at all possible, a difficult conversation should take place face-to-face. If time is of the essence, talk over the phone. E-mail or texting should almost never be an option.
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Do I have the courage to say what I need to say, and to listen to what the other person has to say?
The other person has something to say. Make sure they know he or she can say it, and commit to listen carefully. The other person might say some things you find painful to hear. Determine to keep listening, and even prompt the other person to say anything necessary to bring the issue toward a resolution. Likewise, you have something to say. Too often, when we need to express a concern, our courage melts in the presence of the person. We end up watering down our words and hiding our true concerns. If the matter was important enough to pray about and plan for, don’t walk away wishing you had said what was really on your mind. Within the framework of love for that person, make sure that the difficult conversation is not wasted by either person holding out what really needs to be said. Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).
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Can I leave the conversation with a plan to move forward in my relationship with the person?
Not every difficult conversation will end with a smiling embrace and sentimental theme music. Sometimes the outcome will be inconclusive: perhaps more time is needed for a resolution. Sometimes the outcome will be sad. In some cases, it might reveal an even deeper conflict. Whether the conversation ends pleasantly or unpleasantly, have a plan to move forward positively with the other person. That might mean praying together, agreeing to seek counsel from an uninvolved party, or simply expressing hope for a resolution in the future.
